My SHort Story is Published

How exciting! I didn't win the competition, but I have been published on a website.

You can read my story here.

A Letter to Ruby and Saphire

Dear Ruby and Sapphire,

I don't  really know whether to consider you as two separate spirits or one. I'd like to think, as it says in the book, "Spirit Babies", that you are the same spirit trying to come to our family.

On the other hand, I feel I should be grieving the loss of two children.

Whatever the case, I want you to know that I miss you. Sometimes more acutely than others, but it is always there - the loss of you has left an emptiness that can't be filled.

It may make little sense to others, who see me, with a family of five children, healthy, here with me, so why would I want another child?Why should I miss someone who was never actually  here?

Because you were here, you were with me. And, I love you. You are part of my family, and you are not with us, where I feel you should be. I feel your absence. There is a place at my table for you. I believe there has been since before my first child was born. I didn't know it then, but I feel it now. I feel strongly, that I am meant to have six children.

So why did it not happen? Why have I lost you both, or lost you twice?

What am I missing in this puzzle?

I want you to know that I did what I could to clear the way, so you could come home to us, where I know you belong. But it didn't work out, and I fear it never will. Perhaps, one day, I'll come to you instead.

With love,
your mother.

P.S. Since I started this letter I have learned that "Ruby", the child I lost in December, was a little boy. I'm so sorry things went wrong with your chromosomes. There was one too many on Chromosome 13. You had trisomy 13. The condition is not compatible with life. Apparently it is a "fluke", there's a less than 1% chance of it happening. But it did, and sadly, you couldn't live. I'm so sorry.

I've decide to call you "Alfie", I always liked that name and somehow it seems fitting.

I still haven't heard what happened to our June baby. Perhaps we'll know soon.

Postscript: September 24: Our other baby was also a boy. I have named him Louie. Because the pathology testing wasn't prepared correctly we didn't get proper answers as to why he died. All I know is that he didn't have trisomy 13,18 or 21, which are the most common trisomies. It doesn't mean he was normal either, we just don't know. And it really doesn't make a lot of difference. I'm still sad and missing my boys.

Lack of Flossing and Other Guilt Trips for Women Trying To Conceive

I've been hanging onto the slippery slope that is "trying to conceive" for some time now. About 4 or 5 years. And in that time I have read almost everything that is available on the subject. I have also managed to get pregnant three times, and have one perfect baby - Charlie.

In that time, I've scoured the Internet, I've read countless books, I've had acupuncture, I've seen a naturopath, I've talked to psychics, had my tarot read, listened to visualisation c.d's, done fertility yoga, belly dancing,special massage - you name it - I've probably given it a go, or at least thought about it.

But one thing I haven't been particularly good at is flossing my teeth. Oh Dear - I seem to have missed that one: flossing teeth affects fertility.
So, now I can add that to my ridiculous regimen:

• giving up sugar and gluten - check.
• taking about seven different supplements, morning, noon and night-check.
• ordering more supplements-check.
• drinking green tea daily-check.
• drinking nettle infusion-check (it tastes like compost).
• drinking other nasty tasting herbal teas-check.
• cutting back to one cup of real tea per day-check.
• never drinking coffee-check.
• rarely drinking alcohol-check.

But here I am -still wondering if I did something wrong to cause my miscarriages. Because I read in many books, that even when you are of advanced maternal age (read - geriatric) you can have a healthy baby, if you just have the perfect diet and take the right supplements, and have acupuncture.

So, I did all that, and I still find myself here - no longer pregnant - and wondering where to go next.

I suppose I had better go and floss my teeth?

Sugar-Free: Day One

So, how to go sugar-free when you are also grieving? It's not for the faint-hearted. My body seems to crave sugar when I am feeling low. That's quite normal, I believe. Our bodies are craving serotonin (the feel-good stuff) and we get it from carbohydrates. I guess sugar is an easy carbohydrate to reach for.

So, this morning I thought I'd drop into the super-market and see if I could find something that might help me through. I have been feeling really tired with this miscarriage, so I thought,perhaps I need iron, so I bought some chicken and champaygne pate. Two things I couldn't have while pregnant : champagne and pate. Then I found some beautiful locally baked gluten free, seeded sour-dough loaf. Oh yum. It is really hard to find nice gluten free bread, particularly sour-dough.

I know I should try to make my own, but I'll leave that for another day. I'm going to try my hardest to use complex carbs to fill the sugar hole. And the pate on sour-dough was a hit.

I also bought Kangaroo steaks. It's such a deep red colour, it looks like it might give me the iron I seek. I must also make a nettle infusion - again, really good for iron.

Today hasn't been too rough emotionally.

I've been out in the garden, and at one point had to sit on the drive-way and cry a bit. But then I noticed a little yellow rose-bud - trying to flower in this terribly cold weather. I planted that rose bush shortly after my first miscarriage, and it is going to flower. It gives me some hope.

So I spent an hour with Charlie, in the vegetable patch. Things are slow growing in this cold, but I found some lovely egg-plants and some snow peas. The broccoli is growing rather slowly, perhaps it also needs some iron? Or just some fertiliser.

Despite my sadness, being outside, in the fresh crisp cold air, with my little one, really has helped. I have much to be grateful for.

Oh Boy - Here We Go Again

So, I haven't mentioned it before, because after all the "blah, blah, blah" about how wonderful it was to be sugar-free, I fell off the wagon, and landed in a great big pile of sugar. And was a bit embarrassed to tell everyone I was not the strong woman you thought I was.

I have a pretty good excuse, but, it will soon become clear, that excuse is not applicable anymore.

Having polished off half a family block of old gold chocolate yesterday, and a box of Lindt chocolates today, I am feeling rather ordinary.

I would have felt pretty awful anyway, because I have miscarried again. Again at about 9 weeks, and so have buried myself and my grief under a mountain of chocolate.

I had been eating sugar again, because while pregnant I craved it. I kind of felt that if my body (and baby) needed sugar, I would cave into the desire. However, all the while, I kept saying, "I know this isn't good for me, or the baby,so tomorrow I'll stop."

Well, it is tomorrow now, sadly a bit late, though I'm quite sure the sugar didn't cause the miscarriage. I just feel I should have made a bigger effort to take care of myself.

Now I have some pregnancy weight to lose. I only got to 9 weeks, but it was long enough to eat quite a lot of what I shouldn't have!

I also have a bit of a theory about gluten. It is interesting - I find I am able to better tolerate gluten when I am pregnant. I think it has something to do with hormones. However, I am normally intolerant to it, and, I suspect, fructose too.

Now that I have had a 2nd miscarriage in 6 months, and have been doing some research, I've learnt that food intolerance can and do cause recurrent miscarriage. It may have nothing to do with my miscarriages. In fact, most health professionals would bet money on it being caused by my aging eggs. That said, it can't hurt to get my body back in balance and in tip top form....goodbye gluten, goodbye fructose and sucrose, hello good health.

Oh, and if I could have a healthy baby too, I would appreciate it....

Ups and Downs

It's been a tough week. It's not anything in particular, but my lingering grief which tends to blind-side me when I'm not expecting it to.For no apparent reason. Just because it can.

Charlie had his first couple of hours at daycare. It is a family daycare. It comes highly recommended. When I walked out the door, he  happily said goodbye. I felt calm and happy. My little boy is growing up, wanting to spend time with his peers. Ready to spend time away from mama.

Or so I thought! I got a text from the carer saying that Charlie wasn't really fitting in. He was "angry" and inconsolable. So I picked him up early. By the time I got there he was fine. But my guilt had been firmly planted!

I drove home, wondering why on earth I put him there in the first place. I'm a stay at home mum. I don't really need him to be cared for by someone else. True, but how else can I see my acupuncturist, who is not available after 2 pm, which is when my hubby can care for Charlie. What about the tutoring I've organise to do while he is at daycare? I could juggle that, but it would be difficult.

I know, too, that he has to go somewhere when I return to work in July. I can't not go back, I need to maintain my permenant position in the school, because eventually, I will need to earn a living. So, it's important that he settles into care before then.

So why did I cry into my dinner as I recounted Charlie's time at daycare? Michael felt no sadness. He mentioned something about my "apron strings". So my sadness is for me? I suppose there is an element of that. It doesn't help that I won't be bringing a baby home in July as I'd hoped.

But I must soldier on and it's not all bad. Charlie will go back again next week. Maybe it will be more fun for him then.

I had my haircut yesterday. Reunited with my lovely hairdresser who has been away for a few years. What a pleasure to see her again, and talk, more a friend than "my hairdresser". I left feeling up lifted.

So now it is Thursday. The house is a mess, I've much to catch up on, but instead I'm sat here, with Charlie by my side, drawing(no he didn't write this name on that cardboard - that was his big sister), Crowded House on the stereo.

The sun has come out again.

What NOT to say to someone who has miscarried a baby

I know most people mean well, but having been through this experience and talked to others who have, I have learned that some comments are less than helpful and some are just plain hurtful.

If you are theatre nurse, when a woman comes round from the anesthetic, and she's sad because her baby has just been sucked from her body, please don't tell her it was probably for the best, that the baby was probably chromosomally abnormal. It won't help. Would you say that to someone who lost a loved one? I hope not.

Please don't tell her,"At least you can get pregnant". Yes, she got pregnant, but her baby is now gone, and it is no consolation.

When she is feeling her grief, struggling to make it through the day, please don't tell her, "Things can only get better". That may be true, but at that time, it doesn't feel that way. It won't bring her baby back.
Here's a quick list of some of the other things you should not say:

Be grateful for the healthy children you've got.( I am, but they can't replace the little one I lost.)
You need to move on. (Do I? Perhaps, right now, I need to grieve.)
You can try again.(Can I? Perhaps this is true, but it won't bring back the baby I lost.And there are no guarantees.)
These things happen.(Yes, but it doesn't make me feel any better.)
It's nature's way.(So what?That doesn't make it right or easy or acceptable.)
It is very common.(That really doesn't make me feel any better).


Instead, you might give her a hug and tell her that you are sorry for her loss. You might say,"Call me when you are ready to talk". You could send a beautiful card and say you are thinking of her often, and sending extra love, suggesting you might like to make a remembrance cake and add a layer for her lost little one. You might ask if you could take the other children so she and her husband could have some time together.


And, please, when her due date approaches, be aware that the grief will still be immense and difficult to carry. She might need extra love and understanding.

A quiet home and an aching heart

 The school gates are open, the summer holidays are over, so the girls are at school, Mike and Guthrie are at work, and the house feels so quiet with just me and the little boy. He seems to have grown in leaps and bounds over the six week break. He is able to make himself understood much more easily now. He no longer has his beloved "boozee" (breastmilk) to help him through his day and night, he is pretty well toilet trained and has started choosing what he would like to wear every day. He's not a baby anymore.

 So, his change table has been moved out in favour of a little wardrobe - pieced together using an old "meat-safe" and a bamboo pole as a clothes rail!

 He sleeps in a little bed, but still visits mummy's bed at night.
But for all intents and purposes, he needs me less and less. Which is okay. It is the way it should be.
It feels hard, I think, because I had other plans for this year which just couldn't come to fruition. I was hoping to be busy readying our home and family for the arrival of a baby in July. Now that the baby is gone, everything feels strange.

So, with an aching heart, I made this little alter for our baby, the one who is missing from this family. I light a candle, and I tell the baby that s/he is loved, and can come home to me, whenever the time is right. The flame of hope flickers, because I'm not yet ready to give away the change table. It's going into storage for now...

A Poem for my lost baby

I'm going to make a pillow
to lay my grief upon

I'll collect all the little reminders
and stuff it full
with everything
that I made for you

silken soft, the mohair silk tiny cardigan
half knitted

The pretty peach, green and turquoise patchwork quilt
the top finished, just waiting for the backing.

The squares of fabric, perhaps a little dress?Or pants if you are a boy?

The tiny little socks,striped orange and turquoise.
Your little white growsuits and other tiny clothes.

My recently purchased maternity clothes, waiting for my belly to grow.

And the ultrasound DVD.The one I couldn't watch on my mac because it is pc compatible. I want to see your heartbeat again. But I can't play it...

Because my little one, you're never going to wear the clothes
The quilt will not adorn your bed
my belly won't fill out the stretchy tops.

Instead I shall lie down
and I'll remember how I saw your future,
how I could see your smiling self, giggling with Charlie, running on the beach,
squeezing my hand with your chubby little fingers.

I longed for your growth.
To feel you move in my belly.
To have your siblings watch you move under my skin.

I longed for your birth. That first cuddle.

The first long look at you, the marvelling at your perfect beauty, your newborn softness.

Instead I put away the reminders and I have say goodbye.

But I'd really rather not.