A Poem for my lost baby

I'm going to make a pillow
to lay my grief upon

I'll collect all the little reminders
and stuff it full
with everything
that I made for you

silken soft, the mohair silk tiny cardigan
half knitted

The pretty peach, green and turquoise patchwork quilt
the top finished, just waiting for the backing.

The squares of fabric, perhaps a little dress?Or pants if you are a boy?

The tiny little socks,striped orange and turquoise.
Your little white growsuits and other tiny clothes.

My recently purchased maternity clothes, waiting for my belly to grow.

And the ultrasound DVD.The one I couldn't watch on my mac because it is pc compatible. I want to see your heartbeat again. But I can't play it...

Because my little one, you're never going to wear the clothes
The quilt will not adorn your bed
my belly won't fill out the stretchy tops.

Instead I shall lie down
and I'll remember how I saw your future,
how I could see your smiling self, giggling with Charlie, running on the beach,
squeezing my hand with your chubby little fingers.

I longed for your growth.
To feel you move in my belly.
To have your siblings watch you move under my skin.

I longed for your birth. That first cuddle.

The first long look at you, the marvelling at your perfect beauty, your newborn softness.

Instead I put away the reminders and I have say goodbye.

But I'd really rather not.